Joe Ovies

Losing is winning because America is awesome

Posted June 26, 2014

Winning or losing is all one organic mechanism, from which one extracts what one needs. Sometimes when you win, you really lose. For America, sometimes when you lose, you really win.

Germany defeated the United States 1-0 to win Group G in the World Cup, but America still advanced to the next round thanks to Portugal defeating Ghana 2-1. Both the United States and Portugal ended group play with four points, but the awesomest country on Earth was even awesomer in goal differential.

Mind blown, yet? That's math all up in your face, 'Merica! So grab your Capri Sun, snag your gluten-free snack and bite into that orange wedge, kids, we're moving on.

And our the best darn German who coaches America, Jurgen Klinsmann, has a message for all you haters.

America is so awesome that Portugal’s Cristiano Ronaldo wanted to see our country advance to the knockout stage of the World Cup. In fact, he owed it to the United States after he assisted on the tying goal in Sunday's crippling draw. Ronaldo's game-winning goal against Ghana became of the greatest heel-to-face turn of all time.

United States men's national soccer team goal keeper Tim Howard should also receive a Medal of Freedom from President Barack Obama. The highest civilian honor is the only appropriate way to reward him. Lady Liberty stood a little taller with every save in front of Germany.

Get on the bang wagon, fine citizens. This is the land of opportunity and our national team is about to spread freedom all over the Sweet 16 in Brazil. Exercise your rights to bear arms and flash the red, white and blue. Soccer is now American as apple pie.


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  • archmaker Jun 26, 2014

    I'm glad we are moving to the next round, but this article is an embarrassment to journalism.

  • archmaker Jun 26, 2014

    this article is so bad (how bad is it?)...
    it makes the comments section on this site appear like intelligent conversation.

  • archmaker Jun 26, 2014

    this article is so bad...
    that someone needs to go back to writing for buzzfeed.

  • Adam Oakley Jun 26, 2014

    I'm glad you said the same thing in 3 different comments to prove the exact same point.

  • Joe Ovies Jun 26, 2014

    It's so awful that you've come back to the comment section 3 different times!

  • kreddington Jun 26, 2014

    Congrats to Joe for being the tallest intellectual dwarf. He should be forced to write an extra article on some high school sport as punishment.

  • zanerxcubed Jun 26, 2014

    Wow, Joe, you are just so much smarter and cooler than everyone else. I never understood the principles of round robin play and tiebreakers before you (didn't) explain them to us. And I never understood before how totally uncool it was to enthusiastically root for one's country in a world-wide sporting event. I just despair at my unhipness as compared to you.

  • Wheelman Jun 26, 2014

    Most of out here are glad the US is doing well. Most of us also could really care less about soccer. I know it is the most popular game in the world. However, I have never been as happy in my life as I was when my kids gave up soccer for basketball. Soccer is even more boring than watching baseball or hockey on TV. So kudos to the USA over anyone!

  • Doc Holliday Jun 26, 2014

    "For America, sometimes when you lose, you really win." Joe

    "Germany defeated the United States 1-0 to win Group G in the World Cup, but America still advanced to the next round thanks to Portugal defeating Ghana 2-1."

    It ain't winning when others have to take care of your business for ya, big guy. Everybody grab a participation trophy on the way out.

  • Hammerhead Jun 26, 2014

    'Merica. Haven't worn that one out yet Joe?




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