Sad Panthers Fan just wants her QB to live
Posted September 19
Am I mad that the Panthers won 9-3? You're darn right I am. I don't like playing the Bills, I loathe six-point leads and I don't like watching my quarterback get sacked repeatedly. And also that game and all film associated with it needs to be shot into the sun.
When we took a six-point lead late -- AGAIN -- and the Bills began their two-minute drill, I could not even. Seriously? It's been three years and Riverboat Ron (LOLOLOL) still has not learned his lesson. The o-line was a sieve all day, admittedly, but dude, go for it on fourth. Let them start said two-minute drive at their own 1-yard line or whatever. They weren't moving the ball anyway. BUT OH THAT SIX-POINT LEAD THOUGH! Thankfully, the ball dropped harmlessly from the hands of ECU's Zay Jones, because if Tyrod Taylor had found him for a game-winning touchdown I might have broken my laptop. And it's company-issued, so that would be bad. Who's going to be the next mediocre former ACC QB to beat the Panthers? Tom Savage? Don't answer that.
Oh give me a home (in Cary or Gastonia), where the Buffalo fans roam...
Evidently there is a thing called the #BillsMafia, and it was mad online after the Panthers' 9-3 win. I mean, I get it. I was too. But they were mad that they weren't getting the credit they deserved for INVADING THE CITY OF CHARLOTTE.
Oh, honey. First of all, if you traveled to Charlotte to see a team that has tortured you more than mine has, um...cool? Charlotte is a fine city. Buffalo is...a place too. Keep traveling to watch your team just to get punched in the gut repeatedly and I'm supposed to...be proud of you? I don't know. It's very Cleveland of you.
Except the problem is....you live here. Like, literally, @dookievision. Your bio says Wilmington. He lives here. You all have moved here. We're a transplant state, so I get it. But I'm not patting you on the back for driving a few hours because the team you grew up rooting for is in town.
Don't let the fact that Buffalo fans actually live here distract you from the knowledge that everything is terrible.
ESPECIALLY the bad Kalil brother..
We really got exposed to how bad #BadKalil is, I think, because his brother Ryan -- the Panthers' starting center -- was unexpectedly out for this game. He's usually the one who calls out protections. Of course, even if you're aware of protections, it doesn't really matter if Jerry Hughes is going around you like you're a literal tackling dummy.
Vikings' fans were jubilant when Kalil was signed by the Panthers as a free agent, and pointed and laughed at the five-year, $55 million contract. I mean....it's offensive line help, technically? But the fact that Vikings' fans were so happy told me everything I needed to know. Will things improve when his brother is back? Probably, sure, but man oh man when it's bad, it's going to be REALLY bad with Byron Remmers Kalil.
Speaking of everything being bad...
The Panthers' injury report was clean last week in the lead-up to the game. Then Kalil was out before the game even began. Then Kelvin Benjamin took a nasty-looking hit to the ribs (he ended up being okay). Then Greg Olsen went down. Then Cam Newton. And of those last two, only one came out okay.
Olsen is now out with a broken foot -- it's just 6-8 weeks, thankfully, and not the season, but that doesn't give me much comfort and it shouldn't give you much either. Remember last year when things got particularly dire for this offensive line, Olsen was often left in to block, which is why his numbers took a bit of a hit.
Maybe before the season ends, Cam Newton will realize that Ed Dickson isn't Hodor from Game of Thrones and will instead throw it to Ed Dickson's actual height.
Well, not everything.
I know it's just the 49ers and the Bills, but...I think that we have a defense.
Julius Peppers said it's the best defense he's ever played on. When I read that quote, I said to myself, "Whoa, Julius, it's only Week 2," but I had to work hard to suppress a giddy grin.
And I'd like to be clear on one thing: I didn't hate that game because of the Panthers' defense. I don't hate defensive struggles at all, but this one was a derpfest.
Drew Brees, Tom Brady and most of the QBs/offenses left on the schedule will be completely different beasts than Brian Hoyer and Tyrod Taylor and their respective offenses. But the Panthers allowed some pretty bad offenses to move the ball last year, and being dominant against bad offenses at least gives me hope we'll be competitive against the good ones.
Cam Newton Fashion Update!
Last week, Cam had to take a drug test after the San Francisco game and since he usually takes just under a decade to meet with the media anyway, he and the team decided to scrap his postgame availability. Which is too bad, because evidently he was wearing a floral jacket to die for.
But Cam did not disappoint this week either. At least from the neck up, his ensemble evoked Judge Doom from Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
I look forward to getting back to the part of the season where Cam's outfits are analyzed more closely than his overthrows. Of which I've counted three this year -- two for touchdowns, mind you, but dude is coming off shoulder surgery and didn't play all preseason. Can we all just chill for like two seconds? Thank you.
Also, hopefully Matt Kalil will go from tackling dummy to difficult-to-move turnstile this week at the very least and we don't have to see Cam down on the ground again.
Also, I've seen the phrase "shaking off rust" used to describe what Cam is trying to do multiple places. That's...not how rust works.
On to New Orleans, where Magical Elf Drew Brees will do his voodoo on the Panthers, win or lose. I will set the over/under at roughing the passer penalties he will draw at 1.5. And missed intentional grounding calls at 0.5.