Lauren Brownlow

Twitter Mailbag: Saban's pockets, Cersei's desire and how to eat a sandwich

Posted July 20

After ACC Kickoff last week, am I ready for thefootball season to start? Yes and no, I guess. It almost felt like having a summer vacation interrupted early. It was a week or so earlier than usual, and it felt that way. On the other hand, I'm still comparing coaches to things in this Mailbag. But, this week, you all did allow me to dip into areas that I am a real expert in: the patriarchy, GIFs and sandwiches.

So let's get to it!

I like to think that they hide snacks in there. Sure, you can't fit an actual bulky snack in there, but something slim will fit. You have injury tents, right? Why not duck in there and scarf down a KIND bar or something?

Okay so that's probably not it. My guess is that they keep a key to their alternate game plan in there or maybe a really small version of an actual game plan. Maybe they keep their license in there in case a security guard doesn't know who they are and they don't even have to say "Don't you know who I am?" You can literally show them.

I'm like 97.5 percent certain that Nick Saban keeps a few hapless souls in his pocket.

Can we also just talk about how ridiculous it is that now even men's SHIRTS have freaking pockets? I can't even buy pajama pants in the women's section that have pockets. Shorts? Not always. Skirts? LOL not likely. Dresses? If you're SUPER lucky. I treasure my pocketed dresses so much. All I'm saying is that ESPECIALLY when I'm in the casual section and looking for loungewear, in what universe would the powers that be think that I DON'T need a pocket for my cell phone and/or a dirty pacifier that I have to take to the sink to clean while I'm carrying a baby in the other arm as he lunges desperately at the germ-contaminated paci? I do have to open the gate to get down the stairs. Jerks.

And so in summation, yes, the run on gratuitous pockets in men's clothing while women have to roam the streets begging for any semblance of a pocket is yet another example of the patriarchy in action.

So you know what they probably keep in that pocket, CanadianGF? Male privilege. MALE PRIVILEGE.

This question is really best answered in a series of GIFs:

adele blank stare

this is fine dog

roman reigns depressed

i hate everyone

not sad just empty

meg ryan crying

There aren't a ton of characters in Inside Out, but I'll do my best.

Bing bong: Steve Addazio. Because who doesn't love Bing bong OR Steve Addazio? That's right, no one. You'll cry when he dies, too.

Riley: A little girl growing up who has to move and learn tough lessons? Let's go ... Bronco Mendenhall. He's moved quite a ways and is going to have to learn some tough lessons.

Joy: Dabo Swinney. Who's happier than that guy?

Anger: Pat Narduzzi. Sneaky one here, but, um, dude lost his cool a time or two on the sideline in the past few seasons.

Disgust: Paul Johnson. Easiest one.

Fear: Dave Doeren. AFRAID OF THE ATLANTIC DIVISION AMIRITE?

A man after my own heart, asking me about my favorite show currently on television, Game of Thrones. I won't contextualize this too much for those of you who haven't seen the show yet and don't want spoilers. (Although yes, Euron Greyjoy does slightly resemble Dawson's Creek's Pacey Witter, played by the adorable Josh Jackson. I will give you that.)

(Also, if you haven't seen the show and don't want to be spoiled, please skip down a bit, okay thanks)

Cersei has lost all her children, so I'd say another child, except Euron can't really BRING that to her to win her love. She doesn't want an illegitimate one. She wants her brother's Tyrion's head VERY badly, but seeing as he's currently entrenched with Camp Dragons, I don't see that happening without some doing. Same with young Sansa Stark, currently being mansplained in camp Starks Make Bad Decisions. Olenna Tyrell? One of the Sandsnakes? Maybe, but that would not seem like the kind of gift likely to woo Cersei.

If said gift is priceless, it has to be a captive, one would think. Or maybe some weapon to wipe out even more of her enemies. Of course, that usually costs money. And really, it's not priceless if she has to marry Euron. Like, that's literally the price. Anyway.

*SPOILER ZONE OVER*

This is a reference to one of the most important things to come out of ACC Kickoff, which was Miami head coach Mark Richt revolutionizing the way we all eat sandwiches.

Of all of Richt's sandwich advice, I think I liked the meat-cheese placement the best. I had never thought about that before, but it does make a big difference which part of the sandwich your condiments are touching.

But all due respect to Richt's diagramming of bites, I'm going to stick with my method. And that is cutting it vertically instead of diagonally and eating the crusts off bite by bite before I then go for the delicious and non-crust-corrupted middle.

i can't wait

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